Approaching Conversations on Mental Health
This is the second in a series on mental health, by David Paulin. David Paulin is a Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) Instructor for Kelly’s Cause, one of the leading providers of hospitality specific MHFA in the UK. He also works as a Project Manager, designing and delivering programmes which use creativity as a tool to improve mental wellbeing for people with enduring mental health issues. With years of FOH experience across various establishments, he recently spoke at our panel “Safeguarding our Mental Health in the New Year”, hosted at SILO restaurant.
Our last article spoke on how to use self-care as a way to safeguard our own mental health. Now we look at how to approach difficult conversations with your team.
As a business owner, manager, or shift lead, you may find yourself in a position where you need to support a member of your team with their own mental health. You’ve been looking after your own well being, so you’re confident and secure that you can provide that support. Maybe you’ve noticed a change in one of your team members, or they’ve made some flag-raising comments, and you want to begin that sensitive conversation. In MHFA training we break this process down into five steps, but we’re going to look at those initial first steps to starting conversations with others around mental health.
Approach
If you’re able to, you want to plan the time and the place for the approach. I know it can be incredibly tricky to find that within the hospitality work environment where you won’t be interrupted, but it is incredibly important. These conversations on mental health shouldn’t feel formal or stuffy, so think about a casual environment to start the discussion in. Try to take the conversation out of the work space, maybe go for a walk or meet in a cafe before your shift begins, which will help reduce any perceived (or real) power imbalances. If you need to prepare, make a mental note of the things you have noticed that are causing you to feel concern for that person. Reassure them that you are there to listen and that your conversation will remain confidential.
There can be a range of different factors at play that can prevent meaningful discussions from happening, such as differing cultural attitudes towards mental health, stigma, and poor listening. Try not to get focused on the behaviours the person is exhibiting, just use them as a starting-off point in order to have a deeper discussion on how they are feeling.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been a bit withdrawn from the team, I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling?”
Don’t hesitate to ask twice. By asking twice you’re signalling that you are asking a deeper question than the everyday “how are you?”. Ask open-ended questions that encourage that person to speak about what they may be experiencing.
“I wanted to have the conversation because I’m here to help, how are you really feeling?”
Sometimes sharing aspects of your own lived experience can help others to open up. By sharing your lived experience you are identifying yourself as someone who has a deeper understanding of what they might be going through, and you’re also communicating to that person that they aren’t alone. Always be mindful of what you are comfortable sharing and the differences between your experiences, as no two experiences of mental health are the same.
Listening
People will often worry that they’ll say the wrong thing – I tell them to take that pressure off themselves. It’s really not about what you’re saying, it’s about what the other person is saying.
Think WAIT – Why Am I Talking?
Only speak to understand them further, not so you can feel understood. Listen to the words that they are saying. Reflect them back to them and ask them to speak some more about it.
“You were saying you’ve been really tired and that you’re not enjoying things anymore, can you talk more about that? How is that making you feel? How is that affecting you at home?”
This shows the person that you are listening and it also allows them to speak more about the issues that are affecting them. Often when people go to the doctor experiencing depression they focus on the physical symptoms,but it’s important to encourage the person to speak about the emotional symptoms they are experiencing, too.
Empathy is key, empathy means feeling with others. It is connecting with someone on a deeper level and feeling similar feelings, seeking to understand them better and wanting to help in a meaningful way. It’s not an easy process, and something we look at in detail during the MHFA training, but you need to lay the correct foundations in the approach to give yourself the right conditions to empathise with someone else.
It’s important to think about how we close conversations on mental health
We want to make sure that we are reassuring others that their thoughts and feelings have been listened to, and that you’ve properly identified what the next steps might be. Often, conversations come to a natural end but they don’t provide a gentle transition to bring the conversation to a close.
Remind that person that you will have to stop speaking soon because you’ve got work/home commitments.
“It’s been really good to talk and I think we’ve spoken about a lot, I’ll need to wrap up soon because I have to start work.”
Make sure you acknowledge that they’ve taken a major first step by opening up about their experiences. After this you can summarise what you’ve spoken about and what the next steps are.
“So you’ve said that you’ll speak to your GP about these issues. On my end, I’ll email you the details of our Employee Assistance Programme.”
Address any practical concerns as well.
“Will there be someone there when you get home? Is there someone you could call and speak to tonight? Not necessarily about what we’ve discussed, but just for a chat.”
Sometimes when we finish these conversations there aren’t any clear next steps. Offering your listening skills and empathy can go a long way in supporting others. If this is the case you can end the conversation by asking the person to think about what you’ve discussed and see if there is any support out there that they would like to access.
What’s next?
So you’ve had the conversation, now what?
There are two sets of actions you need to take next – one is for the person you’re supporting, and the other is for yourself.
Firstly, you should signpost that person towards support, whether it’s professional or other. Encourage them to check in with their GP, or seek Employee Assistance Programmes like the ones offered by Hospitality Action. The good news is that there are a ton of resources and support available, the bad news is people don’t know that it’s there! There is nothing wrong with going away and researching some options for that person, if that’s what they wish. You can also encourage them to engage in self-help strategies, and work with them to see what support you can offer in the workplace, creating a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. And crucially, make sure you find the time to check in with that person again, whether it’s following up on a doctor’s appointment or just seeing how they’re feeling since you last spoke.
Secondly, you need to think about what you can do for your own well being. Loads of people, especially those of us who are interested in the topic, have mostly likely had some direct or indirect lived experience with mental health. These conversations can stir up feelings or memories for us, too. Schedule some time, either that same evening or the next day, where you can engage in a self-care practice and look after yourself. Jot down some notes, go for a long walk without music, meet up with a friend – it can take many different forms. Set yourself a reminder if you need to, the important thing is that you do it.
I cannot stress how important it is to take care of ourselves when it comes to supporting others; much like oxygen mask demos on a plane, you need to put your own mask on before helping those around you.
If you’re interested in following a Mental Health First Aid training, Bleecker Burger provides courses free of charge to people working in hospitality. This is a fantastic opportunity to learn those critical skills that’ll make a real difference within your team. The course is split into two in-person days, running February 20 and 27th from 9.30am-4pm at Puttshank Bank, EC2R 8EJ.