WE’RE FAMILY…OR ARE WE?
By Merly Kammerling
“I feel really stuck and confused by my place of work. There’s this internal culture of describing the workplace ‘like family’, however I think that this is having a toxic effect on how I feel about work, what’s expected of me and who I can trust. I’m unhappy but everyone seems to be happy, despite nobody seeming to have any boundaries between work and personal life. I can’t tell whether I’m the problem or it’s the culture!”
You raise a very important debate around something that is rather common in hospitality. When you exist in a culture for many hours of your life (apparently one-third of our lives is spent at work, although I think this statistic is way higher in hospitality!) work can become one’s micro-universe and it can be difficult to decipher what is a healthy or toxic reality.
I can totally see how, in general, relationships at work can mirror a family dynamic, coupled with the fact that the term ‘family’ does not have a singular meaning as it can mean something different to different people. But there are two sides to the coin. Relationships with colleagues can offer support, growth, connection, emotional support, and more than anything those connections need to be good ones. Some employers and employees may feel that creating a ‘family’ culture creates a positive, motivating, and morale-boosting culture; where colleagues see themselves and each other as mothers, fathers, brothers, or sisters. This kind of bonding leads to employees emotionally attaching themselves to the business, ethos, and vision. This can sound very inviting and be beneficial to some by offering an environment of belonging, purpose, and acceptance.
The downside to this is that it can cause complications further down the line. Boundaries can become easily blurred, complicated, and employers can come to be unhealthily dependent on employees, or vice versa. Quite often the culture can feel more like a dysfunctional family rather than one that is in harmony. Employers or employees can feel conflicted, resentful, guilty or confused by the messages within the business, especially when actions taken within the business don’t coincide with the family dynamic that are in principle upheld.
Having a degree of separation between work and personal life is very subjective and this debate is not static. With time and experience this view can change for many people. There isn’t anything wrong with you, I would say this is more about whether this current environment suits you as an individual and your professional path.
Some things to consider:
- What boundaries are crucial to you and your day-to-day wellbeing?
- Are these currently being met?
- Are there any boundaries that you could personally put in place to give you a better experience at work?
- Is there anything that you could communicate with your employers/managers/colleagues that help improve your experience or boundaries at work?
- Is this ‘stuck’ feeling that you’re experiencing purely down to the dynamic at work or is there something else bubbling up for you that is heightening your sense of unhappiness?
There shouldn’t be any shame or guilt in wanting specific boundaries between our personal life and work. The reality is that ‘family’ culture does exist, and it suits some people, but it doesn’t suit all. Not everyone has the desire to create and maintain such strong attachment or devotion to their place of work or colleagues and that’s totally understandable and okay.
When you’re dealing with those big issues, you want someone who really gets it. Merly is an ex-chef, therapist, stress reduction coach and founder of Me, Myself in Mind, which provides workshops, one-to-one therapy and group therapy for you incredible, hard-working, hard-caring people in the hospitality industry. Their mission is built around educating others on stress reduction techniques, mental health awareness and the importance of learning coping skills, emotional resilience and self awareness.