By Nick Clarke of Hop Training

The quality of our relationships with our bosses is one of the key factors in our engagement, success and emotional well-being at work. And yet we’ve all had times when those relationships become strained. We may feel we’ve been mismanaged, poorly directed or even set up for failure. Most of us have been in this situation at some point in our careers. Although many of us have been there, few can ‘manage up’ effectively. Instead, we suppress all that frustration only to unleash it, after a few bottles of wine at the staff party…cue next day regret and maybe a new job application. But seriously, according to Forbes, one in two people who leave their job do so because of poor relationships with their boss.

So it’s vital that we manage these relationships successfully. What we’re really talking about when we say ‘managing up’ is giving critical feedback to those who manage us; that could be your line manager, GM, OPs Director, MD or perhaps your board of investors – we’ve all got bosses of some sort! But to ‘manage up’ successfully, we need to be able to give critical feedback without damaging the relationship with that person. In fact, when done well, we can deliver critical feedback that actually strengthens a relationship.

We need great self-awareness

We need to remember that we’ve all had times when we’ve performed to low standards; dare I say it, we might have been a pain in the arse to manage at times. That’s natural – we’re humans; life happens. But the point is that a poor relationship with our bosses is usually a two-way street. Before attempting to ‘manage up’, you must stop and reflect on your performance of late.

A simple way to do this is to review how well you’ve executed your boss’s last four directions. Have you executed them beyond expectation? Great; and if not, be honest about where things didn’t go well and have a clear and detailed plan of how things can be improved next time. Try not to make excuses, be honest, and be realistic about your improvement plan.

It’s the adage of the broken-down car. If you’ve broken down on the side of the road and ask people for help, no one stops. But if you get out and start pushing the car, strangers will pull over and give you a hand. People are way more inclined to help people who are already putting in the effort to help themselves.

Be empathic and see the bigger picture

Empathy – feeling appropriate emotions in response to someone’s situation is one of the quickest ways to establish a connection with a person. Genuine, authentic empathy – getting across the idea that “I feel you, I see you, I’m on your side here”. In the case of ‘managing up’, this could be understanding your boss’s other responsibilities: do they have other sites to look after, have they just had a baby and aren’t getting any sleep, is their boss managing them poorly? When we take an empathic perspective, it is interesting how our emotional state can change; we’re usually calmer, kinder, more rational, and better listeners – all behaviours we want when giving critical feedback to our line managers.

Too often, in these moments, we’re full of negative emotions, anger, frustration, jealousy, and fear, to name a few. When we dwell on these negative emotions, our focus tends to narrow. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint; we’re hunter-gatherers, and in the event of a threat it’s vital for survival that all our attention go to avoiding that threat. If there was a poisonous snake at my feet, I don’t want to be taking in the beautiful sunset or that stunning waterfall in the distance. I need to deal with the snake. But when it comes to work, we get fixated on one detail, even if it’s far from a life-threatening situation. “They said this to me, can you believe it!” And we repeatedly play it in our minds, over and over, stuck in a storm of negativity. That narrow focus removes our ability to see the bigger picture. On the other hand, empathy broadens our focus and increases our awareness of self and others. We see the stunning waterfall and the sunset.

Find the common goals

You might have different strategies and tactics for getting there but finding the common goal is key. Ultimately, we all want the same thing: an engaged team, a great guest experience and a profitable business (with as little stress as possible). When two people agree on the same goals, the potential for conflict is much less.

Plan The Feedback

The feedback you give to your boss must be planned. Take your time to work out what you’ll say, how you’ll say it, and when. We have to be in emotional control when we do this. Too often, the feedback we give to our superiors is sporadic, generalised, and full of emotion. We react to something in the moment instead of rationally thinking it through. At Hop, we talk about being calm and present; if you’re not calm and present, it’s not the right time to give feedback. This might be a few days or even a week after the event.

Bring a positive energy

Always start the meeting or catch up positively. This is not the classic shit sandwich technique. When I say positive, I don’t mean some fake, generic “Ohh, I like your shoes, you look great”. I mean, bring genuinely positive energy into the room. Not over the top, but warm and kind. Maybe you buy them a coffee, perhaps you thank them for coming in to see you or ask how the new baby is, or maybe you make them feel appreciated by the way you say, “Morning, I’m making a brew. Do you want one?”

It’s not so much what you say; it’s the way you say it. The goal here is to put them at ease. Again, we’re trying to get them in a good emotional state, not in a manipulative way but in a genuinely caring way. You could add some highly skilled empathy in here, too: “Thanks for taking some time out for me; I appreciate it, especially with everything that’s going on at x site down the road”. You have to mean what you say here; it will only have the desired effect if it’s genuine.

Focus on behaviours, not character

We want to avoid criticising any character traits and focus on behaviours backed up by evidence. Character traits are to do with personality, “e.g. you’re disorganised, you’re lazy, you’re aggressive, you’re patronising, you’re no good at delegating”. It’s incredibly hard to take on board criticisms about our characters – it’s triggering, and we usually get defensive, and the relationship breaks down. It’s hard to change our character, and it’s easy to create a counterargument. e.g. “I’ve never had problems delegating to other team members – it must be you that’s the issue”.

Instead, focus on a specific behaviour at a given moment. It’s easy to change a behaviour and much less triggering to receive feedback on it. Pick out the behaviour and back it up with evidence.

So now we could say, “When we had our managers meeting on Monday, the speed with which you were speaking made it hard for me to understand what you wanted me to do, and then you had that phone call and had to leave abruptly before I could clarify things with you. I know you’ve got other sites and are super busy, but I value our time together and your direction. When it’s rushed, I feel we’re both not getting the best out of our time together. What do you think?”

Allow them to respond

You have to deliver your point with warmth, kindness and empathy, but at the end, it’s vital to invite the person to respond. In the above example, it’s “What do you think?” but it could be “How do you think the meeting went?”, “Did you have any thoughts about it?”, “Do you think I’m being fair?”- it’s about inviting them into the conversation.

But because we’ve been so precise with the behaviours (the actions) and the evidence (the when and where) and we’ve spoken with compassion, the other person usually agrees with you. “Do you know what, you’re right; I was really stressed out about x, and I got triggered by that call and just left without really thinking.”

Find the solution together

Then, finally, it’s about collaborating on how we can make things better for next time. Again, the more empathy and self-awareness you can bring to this part, the better. “Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you? Thanks for being so honest with me. Next week, would it be better if we met off-site and grabbed a coffee with fewer distractions for both of us?”

If the conversation has gone well, the relationship should be stronger for it. Hospitality is a fluid beast; things are always shifting – that’s what most of us love about it. But those unexpected twists and turns can put our relationships under a lot of pressure; we’re all human! But we need to have the self-awareness, emotional intelligence and confidence to repair them and ultimately make them stronger.

Footnote: I’ve written this article assuming your boss has a certain degree of humanity and rationality. I firmly believe that 99% of people are trying their best with what they have in front of them. But I also appreciate there will be a small minority of people out there who are currently managed by people who lack empathy, understanding or integrity. In this situation, I think it’s vital to understand your boundaries: what’s acceptable and what’s not. Is your boss just super stressed right now, or is this their modus operandi? You could decide to go through the same process above but instead give that feedback to the owners or your HR director. It might be that you talk to other people who’ve experienced similar behaviour, going through the behaviours with evidence together and then feedbacking together to your boss’s boss.

Or you might decide that the relationship is ruptured beyond repair, and it’s perhaps time to seek a better boss with a better company and your exit interview is where you decide to give your evidence-based critical feedback – hopefully making a meaningful change for the person who takes over your role.

Nick’s worked with a wide range of Hospitality brands, including Hawksmoor, Fortnum & Mason, KILN, Brat, Mountain, Flat Iron, Wahaca, Wagamama, Trullo, Padella, Polpo, Ennismore, Smoking Goat, Belmond Hotels, Hampton Manor, Pizza Pilgrims & Marugal Hotels.

“I would endlessly listen to managers, business owners, and shareholders talk about “Wowing Guests,” “Going the extra mile,” or “Making every guest happy”. Clichéd, generalised advice that had no practical use on the floor. It felt similar to coaching a football team by telling them to “score more goals” every week but with no practical coaching on how to do it. As an industry, it felt like we were setting teams up for failure. Fundamentally I believe that Hospitality is a skill; one that transcends restaurants, bars or hotels. It’s the art of being in the present and having the skill to bring those around you into the present moment with you. At Hop, we’re on a mission to build a better Hospitality industry where teams feel a true sense of value and worth in the work they do”.