1. BE REALISTIC

What happened? No, what really happened? No, we mean really.

We’ve all been there. You turn up at the door and wait a little longer than you should to be acknowledged, then you’re told your table isn’t ready yet, then when you’re finally seated, the dish that you’d been particularly looking forward to has sold out. So when your second choice of dish is set before you, you’re not in a forgiving mood. And you know what? You don’t really like it. Your partner’s dish is great, you love the dessert, the wine is delicious, and the service is slow but utterly charming… but now, is the bill taking ages? You’re silently seething.

The next day, some of us might tell a friend that we’re super disappointed and we wouldn’t go back. Some of us do something a little different—we open up Google and tell the whole world that we wouldn’t go back. Terrible food! One star! But was the food really terrible? Or were you just unlucky enough to turn up on an incredibly busy night, in which the team was really struggling? In short, a little bit of outrage can really cloud our judgment of what comes next.

Now, the fact that the team was struggling doesn’t negate the fact that you experienced some issues that really impacted your enjoyment of the night. It’s not an excuse, but it is a reason. Taking a step back to think about the big picture not only helps diffuse a bit of your frustration, but it also gives you clarity about exactly what happened. And if you are able to do that in real time, it can stop a spiral in its tracks—both the spiral of outrage in your own head and the spiral of unsatisfactory events, as the team will be working hard to win the night back for you.

Pause, assess, and adjust. This step is crucial for avoiding unnecessary frustration. When you take a breath and look at things objectively, you’re in a better place to ask for what you need. Maybe the dish wasn’t exactly what you expected, but is it worth getting upset over, or could a small adjustment, like a condiment or a different side, make all the difference? Sometimes, we latch onto disappointments, but fixing them can be simpler than we think. The point is to address it in the moment, calmly, rather than letting it fester.

In most cases, the staff will appreciate you bringing the issue to their attention in a considerate way. Most people who work in hospitality genuinely want you to have a good time, and if they hear that you’re not, they’ll go out of their way to fix it. You just need to tell them.

Here’s how.

2. BUT REALLY, THIS IS NOT OKAY.

So you’ve thought about it. We completely acknowledge that there are, unfortunately, establishments or occasions where the food and/or service is objectively unacceptable. There might be a health and safety breach, a bad error, or a situation that seriously impacts your enjoyment of the experience. You’re being clear-sighted, and it’s just not okay.

In such instances, the way you raise the issue is even more important. It’s tempting to vent frustration instantly, but the tone and timing of your complaint can drastically affect the outcome. Approaching the staff with kindness can open the door to resolutions. Instead of immediately demanding to speak to a manager, start with the server. Explain what’s wrong and give them a chance to address it before escalating.

There may be occasions where a resolution simply isn’t possible on the spot—whether that’s because the kitchen is out of stock on something crucial, or the error is so significant that a replacement meal wouldn’t salvage the experience. In such cases, asking for a manager becomes appropriate, but still, the way you frame your request matters. You could say something like, “I’m really disappointed with how this meal has turned out because of XYZ. What can we do to fix this?”

Be clear, but not confrontational. Hospitality workers are used to dealing with issues, but they are also human. If you come across as understanding, rather than accusatory, the chances of a resolution improve. The goal should always be resolution rather than blame, and this approach keeps everyone—staff included—on the same team, working toward the same goal.

3. I’M TOO EMBARRASSED TO MENTION IT

Yep, we totally hear you. Having to speak up can feel really exposing. But why? Are we worried that we’ll come across as entitled, or that the staff will roll their eyes and dismiss us as difficult customers? Or maybe it’s because complaining publicly, in the middle of a restaurant, feels awkward and out of place.

But here’s the thing—restaurants can’t fix what they don’t know is wrong. If you’re too embarrassed to mention that your steak is overcooked or that you’ve been waiting 40 minutes for your dessert, you’re doing both yourself and the restaurant a disservice. Feedback, when delivered constructively, can help them improve, and you get a better dining experience.

Remember, it’s all about the tone. Instead of thinking of your complaint as an attack, frame it as feedback. You’re helping the restaurant identify areas they need to work on. Approach it with the mindset that this is a partnership: you want to enjoy your meal, and the restaurant wants you to enjoy it, too.

4. LISTEN

When you do bring up an issue, it’s important to listen to the response. This is a two-way conversation. Give the staff a chance to explain, or perhaps offer some context that you may not have been aware of. Maybe there was an unexpected delay in the kitchen, or the server was suddenly overwhelmed with a large party. Being open to hearing their side doesn’t diminish your right to complain—it just keeps the dialogue respectful.

Sometimes, the explanation might make you feel more forgiving about the situation. Other times, it might not, but at least you’ve given them a fair chance to explain. And who knows? They might offer an immediate fix that you hadn’t even considered.

Stay open to solutions. Often, the restaurant will try to make amends in some way, whether through a replacement dish, a complimentary item, or a discount. It’s important to acknowledge the effort they’re making to resolve the issue, even if it doesn’t fully undo the inconvenience. After all, resolution isn’t about perfection—it’s about finding a way to leave both parties satisfied.

5. RESPOND

Finally, how you respond to the restaurant’s efforts to rectify the situation is key to a positive outcome. If they offer to replace your dish, even if it’s not the exact resolution you wanted, try to accept it with grace. Complaining isn’t about “winning” or “losing”—it’s about reaching a fair compromise.

Thank the staff for addressing your concern, even if things didn’t go perfectly. Your goal is to walk away feeling heard and respected, not necessarily to get a free meal or compensation. Acknowledge when the staff tries their best to turn things around. A little kindness goes a long way, and the restaurant will likely remember your attitude if you return in the future.

In the end, it’s all about balance. Complaining at a restaurant isn’t about picking a fight, but about communicating. Most situations, even the ones that seem dire at first, can be resolved there and then if both parties approach the conversation with the right attitude. When you keep things calm, constructive, and respectful, everyone walks away feeling better about the experience.

So, next time you’re considering whether to complain at the table or vent to the world, ask yourself: Do I want to resolve this like an adult, with a resolution which really works for everyone, or do I want to become a cautionary tale in a restaurant’s group chat?