Welcome to ASK MERLY: The Countertalk Problem Page, where our resident mental health expert Merly Kammerling answers YOUR questions.

“Three months ago, I called out inappropriateness by my managers towards other members of staff and now I think I am being bullied because of it. Nothing has been done about my grievance and they say I’m too sensitive, a troublemaker and my lack of experience in hospitality is the problem, not their management style. The most upsetting part is that it’s like I’m no longer part of the team. I feel like they are pushing me out and telling me that I’m underperforming when I don’t think this is true. What can I do about this… is it me or them? I feel really distressed about going to work.”

I’m sorry that you are experiencing this. It doesn’t sound like it’s you, from what you are describing it sounds like you are experiencing a form of bullying called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group of people can cause a person to question their own perception of reality, capability, memory and thoughts on whether something feels right or wrong.

Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship, both professional and personal. It can be played out by certain groups or individuals within the environment in order to gain power over someone and a situation. It’s a way to wear down a person’s self-esteem to a point where they second guess themselves and feel disconnected from others. The whole thing can happen slowly and subtly over time, it can feel like a drip feed of inappropriate treatment. The victim can become confused, feel non-credible, undermined and alone.

When experiencing bullying and when an environment doesn’t feel safe, this can take a huge toll on stress levels and our wellbeing as we feel constantly under threat. Going through this alone is only going to make this worse. It sounds like you certainly need support, if not internally than certainly externally. In some situations, confronting the person/people gaslighting you and letting them know that you are aware of what they are doing and trying to come to a solution may be a practical step but not always possible, especially if you feel undermined and vulnerable.

If you do wish to initiate a meeting then it is worth noting that the ACAS code of practice on disciplinaries and grievance procedures stipulates that ‘workers have a statutory right to be accompanied by a companion at a grievance meeting which deals with a complaint about a duty owed by the employer worker. An employee has the right to be accompanied by a fellow worker, a trade union representative, or an official employed by a trade Union’.

I would also suggest making sure you are connecting with loved ones / colleagues that really know you, and put yourself in environments where you feel safe, listened to and supported so you can get some separation and recuperation. You could even get your loved ones and colleagues you trust to each write a paragraph of why they love you and detail your qualities. These can be helpful reminders and help you to not lose sight of who you are.

If your mental health is declining, then you may want to think about how sustainable the environment is for your health and state of mind going forward. Speaking to a GP or mental health professional may help you to process and navigate the next steps in supporting your wellbeing. If you did decide to extract yourself from such an unhealthy environment, then that would be completely understandable. No job is worth suffering over. 

One of the hallmarks of gaslighting is the confusion and lack of self-trust that it causes for the victim, so you could use these National Bullying Helpline examples of gaslighting in the workplace as a checklist. Signs to look out for are:

• A lack of openness and transparency. This may be with immediate line management in a one-on-one relationship or it may be at corporate level involving an entire executive board and/or a business owner.
• A reluctance to document minute meetings or draw-up file-notes. We should not assume this is down to a lack of management skills. It could be intentional and therefore far more serious.
• Refusal to follow policies unless it suits the business.
• Riddled information, failing to provide full facts or repeatedly re-scheduling meetings or withholding important information.
• Moving goal-posts or changing elements of an employee job description without first engaging in discussion or making reference to a change-management policy.
• Springing surprises i.e. calling last-minute meetings but failing to share data or advise in advance what the purpose of the meeting is and what the likely outcomes may be.
• Knee-jerk suspensions over minor issues where a discussion or an informal meeting would have resolved any misunderstanding.
• Instant dismissals without following the company process.
• The inappropriate use of the term ‘Redundancy’ simply because a management team want to release an employee and/or make changes within the business
• Failure to carry out fair and thorough grievance or disciplinary investigations or refusal to appoint an independent, impartial workplace investigator in grievance and disciplinary cases.
• Undermining behaviour intended to destroy an employee’s confidence. For example, open criticism or alleging that others have complained where, in fact, there is no evidence of any complaint.

And finally, here are some resources that may be useful to you: 

• The National Bullying Helpline on 0845 22 55 787 if you believe gaslighting is occurring in your workplace.
• Official government guidelines on workplace bullying advise to escalate the issue through the following channels, as set out in The ACAS Code of Practice:
  • A manager you trust
  • The Human Resources (HR) department.
  • Trade Union representative – Unite is the union for hospitality workers in bars, restaurants, cafes, casinos and hotels across the UK and Ireland.

When you’re dealing with those big issues, you want someone who really gets it. Merly is an ex-chef, therapist, stress reduction coach and founder of Me, Myself in Mind, which provides workshops, one-to-one therapy and group therapy for you incredible, hard-working, hard-caring people in the hospitality industry. Their mission is built around educating others on stress reduction techniques, mental health awareness and the importance of learning coping skills, emotional resilience and self awareness.

Merly is on hand to talk about our community’s issues. If you would like to submit a problem, please email service@countertalk.co.uk, with the subject ASK MERLY. All questions are completely confidential and kept 100% anonymous, now and always.