Hi Counteralk community,

 

You know that we’ve got you right? When you’re dealing with those big issues, you want someone who really gets it. Merly is an ex-chef, therapist, stress reduction coach and founder of @me_myself_inmind, which provides workshops, one-to-one therapy and group therapy for you incredible, hard-working, hard-caring people in the hospitality industry. Their mission is built around educating others on stress reduction techniques, mental health awareness and the importance of learning coping skills, emotional resilience and self awareness. Maybe you are working right now, or maybe you are at home learning to adjust. Those skills are still sorely needed to boost our wellbeing whatever we are up to.

Each week Merly is on hand to answer some of our community’s problems.

 

I am starting to feel really nervous about leaving my flat and anxious when I’m around others – even people I know. I know I need to go out for exercise and it’s good for me to meet a friend but I am so worried about being panicked and paranoid once I am out in the open. What makes it worse is that I am usually an outgoing person but all I want to do is hide. I embarrassed of this ‘new me’ and I don’t know how to get my head around this?

 

Take it away Merly:

 

Worries and anxiety about the outside world is a really common issue, especially since the pandemic. You are certainly not alone as many people find themselves fearful and unable to connect with the outside world in the same way as they have done before. The virus moves invisibly, we can’t control how others behave and many are worried about their own behaviour in public which creates additional distress for a lot of people.

 

Social anxiety is also the fear of coming into contact with people we know, for fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-consciousness, embarrassment and depression. I have met many people who even dread seeing friends and family on FaceTime/ Zoom or simply via phone call for the embarrassment of ‘not having enough to say’ or coming across too negative and not wanting to bring others down. A person may feel that they are better off alone rather but unfortunately this just increases difficulties and loneliness.

 

The good news is that many people can find a way to manage their social anxiety. We can’t help ourselves without bringing our issues into awareness so just noticing that this is an issue is the first most powerful step towards dealing with it. Even writing to CT about this is a step in the right direction. Here are a few ideas to help you during this difficult time:

 

Be Realistic 

 

Be realistic and set some boundaries around what you can manage in terms of going outdoors / socialising or talking to friends and family. Trying to force yourself into situations may make you only feel worse may just prevent from going out at all. So, ask yourself these questions:

 

-What can I deal with right now?

-Where do I feel safe to go with enough social distance?

-Who do I feel comfortable to meet / talk to?

 

Being patient and slowly exposing yourself over time to social environments once you’ve achieved the small steps, may better prepare you for situations that seem really difficult or almost impossible.

 

Conversation is key 

Talking about this may be the last thing you want to do at times but can be essential to beating this. Not only does it help us to feel connected, but it also helps us to process our experiences and gain control of our issues. We can get incredibly weighed down when we spend too much time in our heads, so conversation helps lighten that cognitive and emotional load. It can also be very useful to gain the perspective from the people around you and help you to see things in a different way.

 

Reaching out for support or just to express what’s going on for you is not a weakness, as we are not meant to deal with issues alone. As humans, part of how we recover is through the connection and support of others. If you are not comfortable talking with friends, families or acquaintances, then considering talking with a counsellor or therapist in a confidential setting could really help you to deal with the deeper-seated issues around your anxiety. Many people feel that they actually benefit much more and easier to talk to someone who they do not know personally.

 

Breath Communicates with the Brain

 

Breathing is the most underrated physiological tool that we are all equipped with to help reduce our distress. Your breath communicates with the areas of the brain which picks up on distress and in turn can work with your brain and body to deactivate your fight or flight response and increasing calm and clarity. Try inhaling and exhaling for the count of four, whilst noticing the sensation of the belly rise and fall. The great thing about this is that you can multi-task whilst doing it and nobody will even notice!

 

Focus on What is Happening Around you

 

Focussing on negative thoughts and second-guessing what others are thinking and feeling may only make your experience worse. Instead, try to focus on what is actually happening around you. Focusing on what you can see around you or the conversation you are having, may really help you to stay present. Listening to music or a podcast if you are out and about on your own could also help you spend less time focusing on expecting the worst to happen.

 

Make a back-up plan.

 

Sometimes making a ‘worst-case scenario plan’ can seem daunting but it can reduce anxiety as it helps us to feel more prepared for future situations that feels very uncertain. We rarely think we have a choice in difficult situations so it could give you encouragement and comfort to think about your options. For example, your back-up may be as simple as: “If I can’t cope then I can excuse myself and head home’ or ‘I can call my best friend who can help talk me through it when I’m feeling anxious”.  Even something as short as this may be just enough for you to feel more confident.

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Got a problem you want Merly to answer? Sure thing, send a confidential email to: askmerly@countertalk.co.uk

 

Words by Merly Kammerling