YOU ASKED:

 

“I feel so lost in terms of my career at the moment, and I can’t see a way of changing things up. I kind of fell into working on the floor, which I know loads of people do. I never thought that this was my calling, but the more I worked the more I loved it, and seven years later I’m still here. The thing is – because I never felt like it was my calling (and maybe deep down I feel like it’s not a valid career choice), I’ve always kind of coasted through, without being driven to progress to supervisor or manager or whatever, and now I’m in a position where all of my peers have either left hospitality to pursue their ambitions elsewhere, or have stepped up to fancier jobs within the industry. I’m feeling so shit because I can’t help comparing myself to them, and kicking myself for not having the same drive. I don’t know whether to leave the industry and do something else, just to start again, or whether that lack of drive will be the same whatever I do!! And if I stay, how do I give myself a kick up the butt?”

MERLY SAYS:

A very valuable question indeed. And similar versions of this have been floated in many therapy sessions. Firstly, it sounds like the external stuff is inhibiting you from being able to genuinely process your thoughts and what you want. In particular I’m talking about comparing yourself to the path of your peers. Comparison is part of being human but can exacerbate self-loathing and discouragement, all of which can be incredibly jarring. The other thing about comparison is that we tend to only focus on the positive things about other people and compare that with what we deem negative about ourselves. So technically it’s not a like-for-like comparison…not even close!

Everyone is vastly different in terms of experiences, personal interests, drive, circumstances, and the rest. I came across a quote recently which read ‘The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel’ and I think that rings so true of comparison, especially in regards to our career and where we think we should be in life.

But this predicament is valuable in the sense that it’s asking you to dig a little deeper into notions that you are already having about work, your options and what YOU want. So instead of focusing on what others have, focus on what it is that you want. If you are currently feeling bad about yourself over this then I don’t think analysing and internalising this over and over is going to help you. It’s mentally exhausting and you’re using up any energy that you may have left to think it through clearly.

I suggest taking a step back and allow yourself a break from the topic. Don’t feel forced to rush to a conclusion just because others seem to have it better than you. You’re on your own path. Come back to it with a fresh head and fresh eyes.

Here is an exercise that I have used here on the problem page before, but one that is useful in these predicaments. Assessing the risk and rewards of making a change could help you to lessen the emotions around the equation and think more clearly. Here’s an example of what it may look like: 

RISKS:

• Leaving comfort zone
• Starting with a new team I don’t know
• Have to learn new skills
• Leaving behind friends and colleagues
• Longer commute

REWARDS:

• Possibility of improved mental health
• More opportunities with a new company
• Broaden industry knowledge
• A fresh start
• Fewer shifts

Instead of feeling inadequate to your peers, it may be useful to draw them in closer, find out how they pivoted and why. This could reveal some good nuggets of insight, encouragement and support.

And instead of worrying about the ‘what if ? ‘, ask yourself  – ‘If things don’t work out, then what?’ This might sound super scary and counterproductive but having a back-up plan (which you may never use) could help to relieve the fear of failure, when you realise that perhaps you don’t have much to lose by taking a leap of faith. Your peers may be particularly helpful on this one as they may have had similar worries which they had to deal with and prepare for.

For what it’s worth, it sounds like you have made a very valid career choice. I genuinely think it is an accomplishment that you have been so happy in your role. You may call it coasting, but I wonder if it is actually contentment that led you to stay all of these years? Work is a big part of our lives, but it’s not the only thing that validates who we are and our existence.

There are other important questions that could be asked such as:

• Do you enjoy the people that you work with?
• Do you feel like you are able to live your life on your terms?
• Do you have loving and supportive family and friends?
• Are you healthy?

I understand that you feel that your career path isn’t where it should be, but I would argue that nobody should feel any shame or regret around a job that they enjoy so much.

Some things in life, even the good things, just run their course and we desire something different… that’s life. If you are fearful of change or commitment (or if historically there is a pattern around fear of change) then trying something that is short-term (such as a short course or work experience), may feel more appealing and more doable for now. Trying new things in short succession may give you the boost you need whilst you take your time to figure it all out.

Just remember to stay in your lane…the lane with the bright neon sign saying ‘YOU’.

Hi Counteralk community,

You know that we’ve got you right? When you’re dealing with those big issues, you want someone who really gets it. Merly is an ex-chef, therapist, stress reduction coach and founder of @me_myself_inmind, which provides workshops, one-to-one therapy and group therapy for you incredible, hard-working, hard-caring people in the hospitality industry. Their mission is built around educating others on stress reduction techniques, mental health awareness and the importance of learning coping skills, emotional resilience and self awareness.

Merly is on hand to answer some of our community’s problems. If you would like to submit a problem, please email askmerly@countertalk.co.uk. All questions are completely confidential and kept 100% anonymous, now and always.