Welcome to ASK MERLY: The Countertalk Problem Page, where our resident mental health expert Merly Kammerling answers YOUR questions.

Q:

“I’m really struggling with money and I feel like I’m drowning. I moved into hospitality quite late and I’m a CDP in a restaurant I like, but all my friends earn more than me. I find it humiliating to say that I can’t afford to join them on nights out and so depressing to stay at home. People at work also suggest that it’s important to eat out to experience the industry – but how?!

I’m not spending money on anything except my rising bills, rent, food and travel, but I’m still going in to my overdraft at the end of every month. I feel like I’m moving away from my old friends, and not able to fully participate in the industry either, all while getting deeper into debt. It’s overwhelming.”

A:

I can appreciate why this must be very overwhelming for you right now. Changing career can be challenging as well as a big sacrifice in many ways and the debt aspect sounds really tough. You mentioned that it feels like you are overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning which sounds concerning.

Now seems like an important time to explore how you really feel and potentially uncover some options which may help you reduce that feeling of drowning and give you a little control and clarity of what’s going on.

The following questions may be helpful to ask yourself:

• Why did you get into the kitchen in the first place, did you have a specific motive/ dreams/ goals? Do you still have the same desire to be a chef despite or do you think your wants and needs have now changed?

• You mentioned that you like the restaurant where you are working…are you happy to remain in this particular kitchen?

• If you are happy as a CDP but it’s the financial aspect that is causing you most of the overwhelm, then are there any options available here? For example, would it possible to move to another kitchen which could pay you more and put you in a better financial situation? Or is there a way to increase your salary in the kitchen where you are currently working?

• Is there any additional support or resources out there that could stop you getting any more overwhelmed by your financial situation?

If your motive/ dreams or goals still remain the same and you want to continue then that’s great, but if this has changed then that’s totally okay and normal too. Our situation constantly evolves and so do our needs and wants. Some of these factors are in our control and some are not but we always have a choice. Being honest with yourself about what your current motive, needs and wants are will help you to prioritise your next move.

For instance, if your motive has changed and your primary reason to work is to earn some money at the moment then that would also be totally valid and something to prioritise. Or if the impact on your mental health is outweighing your desire to be in the kitchen then that’s something that needs to be addressed.

Some resources that may help you are:

National Debt Line where you can do get free independent financial advice on 0808 808 4000 9am – 8pm Monday to Friday. They also have a free online budget tool that may help you to understand how much you do have each month have more clarity of your finances. Their budget tool could help you to work out what you have coming in, how much you are spending and what you have left to pay debts.

Here is an interesting resource page from Which? on ways to save money and pay off debt

If your place of work uses Hospitality Action as their employment Assistant Programme, EAP members can access specialist support to help diagnose your debt situation. You can also receive one-to-one telephone advice on debt recovery solutions.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself in regards to eating out, sure it is a way to experience the industry but I would say that your pivot in to kitchen is a pretty big commitment to experiencing the industry too! You don’t have to experience it all in one go, especially if it isn’t feasible for you to do so and it’s adding more pressure to your plate. Restaurants come and go all the time and a lot of them will be here for a long time. Try to go easy on yourself and don’t get caught up in pressures of ‘got to experience it now’ that gets instilled in us by others, sometimes it isn’t just isn’t possible for us to ‘do it all ‘and not being able to eat in particular restaurants does not make you any less of a chef.

Lastly, it sounds like this is a chapter in your life where you could do with some support from your mates. Being open with your friends (one’s you can trust to show some compassion) could give them a better understanding of what’s going on for you and help you to feel less inadequate, ashamed and instead more supported.

The city is full of different culinary (and non-culinary) experiences for all levels of income. Perhaps you and your friends could get creative with ideas on where it is feasible for you to socialise with them and feel financially comfortable to do so.

You know that we’ve got you right? When you’re dealing with those big issues, you want someone who really gets it. Merly is an ex-chef, therapist, stress reduction coach and founder of @me_myself_inmind, which provides workshops, one-to-one therapy and group therapy for you incredible, hard-working, hard-caring people in the hospitality industry. Their mission is built around educating others on stress reduction techniques, mental health awareness and the importance of learning coping skills, emotional resilience and self awareness.

Merly is on hand to answer some of our community’s problems. If you would like to submit a problem, please email askmerly@countertalk.co.uk. All questions are completely confidential and kept 100% anonymous, now and always.